Take 2! (Or is it 100?)

I've always loved the Cosby show - it's so down to earth and the parents always know what to do with/for their kids.  Well, I was told once that the Cosby Show had a child psychologist on set to go over the scripts and in this way they made sure that the way the "parents" dealt with the "kids" was appropriate....

After becoming a parent there have been a few times when I have wished I had one of those on my "set" - this play that I call my life!  How great it would be if I could take a break, step back, have my "performance" evaluated and then go back and perform my part until I got it just right!  Especially with my kids!  There are so many times when I wish I knew the right thing to do.

Yesterday was one of those days!  A girlfriend and I had already planned to hang out yesterday morning - a break I desperately needed - and as I'm getting ready to go, Tressa insists that she's coming with me.  Of course, I gently tell her no, but she doesn't stop asking!  And the more I tell her no, the more she persists until it becomes a huge power struggle.  She's screaming and crying as I'm pushing her back in the door telling her she has to stay.  While inside my heart is breaking and I'm asking myself if this time out for Mom is really worth the struggle.  I'm asking myself that the whole drive to see my friend and even on the way home.  Until I realize that "Yes, I needed that break!"  I came home and she had calmed down, but Jessie told me last night that she cried a long time after I left, returning to the window at intervals to see if I had returned yet.  (It probably didn't help that I kept forgetting things and had to come back into the house several times and push her away every time!)

It was obvious that my heart still felt guilty because I had a dream this morning that she got into trouble for acting up at church, I put her on a chair and went to find the next sister that was acting up - when I got back I couldn't find her.  In my dream, all I could think about was that she had run away because I was so mean.  I couldn't find her - no one could.  And I woke up in the middle of my break down as I realized it was my fault she had run away from me.

Yup, that's how my day started!  Needless to say, when Tressa awoke this morning I spent some time talking to her about how hard it is to be a Mom sometimes and how I need breaks, but that I will always come back to her.  I told her I loved her.

I don't know if I "got it right" this time, but I know all I can do is just keep trying.

 Lights. Camera.  Action.  Take 100!